Shorter version (s'cuse the pun)

alias epenis {
  var %inch = $round($sqrt($calc(0.0005 * $uptime(system,3))),2), %cm = $round($calc(%inch * 2.540),2)
  if (%inch > $iif(%epenis.record,%epenis.record,0)) { set %epenis.record %inch }
  if (!$1) { echo -a 2* Your e-penis is %inch inches ( $+ %cm cm)! $+([,Record: %epenis.record, inches ( $+ $round($calc(%epenis.record * 2.540),2) cm)]) }
}
on *:EXIT: { epenis n }