on *:TEXT:*:#:{
  if ($regex($1,/^(hi|hello)$/Si)) {
    msg # $gettok(Hello $nick $+ $chr(44) how are you today?|What's up $nick $+ ?|Wazzup $nick $+ ?,$r(1,1),124)
  }
  if ($1- = What's up) {
    msg # $gettok($v2 with you?|Nothing but the sky $+ $chr(44) $nick $+ |You say $lower($v2) $+ . I say what's down.,$r(1,3),124)
  }
  if ($1 = Nothing) {
    $gettok(msg # If $v2 $+ 's up then what are you talking about?|describe # slaps $nick $qt(You're boring) :/,$r(1,2),124)
  }
  if ($1 = sad) {
    $gettok(msg # Awwwww don't be $v2 $nick $+ .|describe # pats $nick on the back $qt(Being $v2 makes you miss out on all of the good things in life.) |msg # Be the opposite of $v2 and be glad! =D|msg # You're $v2 too much $nick $+ .,$r(1,4),124)
  }
  if ($2 = $me) {
    msg # $gettok(That's my name. Don't stick a knife through it.|WHO SAID MY NAME?!?!?!|Yes $+ $chr(44) $nick $+ ?|shoots $nick $+ $chr(44) $qt(DID I SAY YOU COULD SAY MY NAME?!) |What can I help you with $nick $+ ?,$r(1,5),124)
  }
}